Likeability
Warning - this is a controversial topic!
We recently had a client who said that they felt like people tolerated them, but did not look forward to seeing them. Now, there are other things that we can work on besides likeability (finding your people, sitting with discomfort as you work things out, etc.), but, after further discussion, what they were really asking about was the concept of “likeability” or “charisma”.
The reason this is controversial, of course, is that “likeability” could mean temporarily altering your authentic self (sometimes called “masking”) to the degree that you are performing. That’s problematic if 1) you aren’t able to feel like you are being true to yourself and 2) the people for whom you’re performing never know who you really are, resulting in an inauthentic relationship.
For this individual, though, they were looking for an in-between - they wanted to practice some of the things that likeable people do to see if any of them worked for them in their relationships without feeling like they were hiding their true self. We are early in the process of exploring strategies for having charisma, but they have found, so far, that two tips are useful to them: looking for opportunities to smile and laugh (both from a get-outta-your-head perspective and by physically relaxing their face in readiness for a smile as they enter an interaction) and 2) changing the kinds of questions they are asking in conversation to be less fact-based and more connection-making.
In this social therapy world, no two individuals are alike. Likeability is not on most of our therapy lists of goals, but for some people, it might be, and if it works towards their personal goals, we are happy to go there with them.
Let’s keep connecting…
If you or someone you love wants to explore strategies for likeability or charisma to help find and build lasting relationships, explore our services page here, or book your free 15 minute consultation to see how we can help.
